


Fuel to Fire

by e_mors



Category: Actor RPF, Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, More angst, even more angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 08:34:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13566810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/e_mors/pseuds/e_mors
Summary: The trip to Europe provokes Armie and Timmy to finally deal with their feelings.





	Fuel to Fire

**Author's Note:**

> Angsty angst, I warn you.  
> Also, sorry in advance.
> 
> Inspired by the song [Fuel to Fire](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqZGvkF00DI) by Agnes Obel

**_Fuel to Fire (by Agnes Obel)_ **

_Do you want me on your mind or do you want me to go on_

_I might be yours as sure as I can say_

_Be gone be faraway_

_Roses on parade, they follow you around_

_Upon your shore as sure as I can say_

_Be gone be faraway_

_Like fuel to fire_

_Into the town we go, into your hideaway_

_Where the towers grow, gone to be faraway_

_Sing quietly along_

_Pious words to cry into the under_

_Upon your shore as sure as I can say_

_Be gone be faraway_

_Oh what a day to choose_

_Torn by the hours_

_All that I say to you_

_Is like fuel to fire_

_Into the town we go, into your hideaway_

_Where the towers grow, gone to be faraway_

_Never do we know, never do they give away_

_Where the towers grow, only you will hear them say_

_Sing quietly along_

_Sing quietly along_

 

 

I have a sick feeling in my stomach that this Europe trip wasn’t such a good idea after all. 

Armie seems so freakishly happy it makes me nauseous. He doesn’t seem to control himself anymore, he doesn’t seem to care. 

This whole week has been so heady. I feel light-headed, nearly drunk all the time just because of the warmth of his company. And on top of that we are in Rome, in Paris, we are with Luca, soon we will be back to Crema, it all just encapsulates me in a constant haze. 

And yes, there are moments when I just let go, when there seems to be no pain, not even a hint. I can do this, I think. This friendship is worth so much more than anything else I could want from him, right? Why do I have to want something more? Is it something more, really? Maybe it’s just something else, without any difference in value? 

These thoughts come to me almost all the time and I’m just circling around them, never moving an inch forward. It feels silly but it also feels safe. I can skim around the truth and bury myself in this philosophical discourse instead. 

He always does something or says something that sends me back to the beginning of this spiral anyway. 

When he said during photoshoot that he loved us (me and Luca) I could squash it. Of course he does. In his own way, that is so different (but not less valuable, I argue with myself) than mine. 

But when he said he sees me in his childhood memories? It hit me with belated fuse, that one. Later that night we had one of our lovely, loud, long-lasting Italian-like dinners and it was Pauline who pulled that trigger. 

„It’s so sweet what Armie said, no? That he sees you in his childhood. I loved it!”

I smiled at her and then it dawned on me, with its weight landing right in my stomach. He needs me. He needs me even in his past. He needs me. That’s what it means. 

I look at him and he is so happy, grinning from ear to ear, no worry in sight, sharing my gaze from across the table. He makes a gesture for us to go out for a smoke, so I nod and get up. 

We walk onto the patio of the restaurant, he lights up a cigarette and inhales deeply. There is such comfort that we don’t have to talk, we can just be there, breathing. 

But I feel the air is heavy with all the things that has never been said between us. And I know it’s going to happen, it must happen, even though I try to fight it. One day I will have to set myself free and he will have to let me go. 

Right now I find myself in my usual circuit. Does it have to be defined or named, this thing we have? Does it have to be either or? Can’t it just be this - breathing together in pleasant silence, just togetherness? I know I’m being naive and I know I’m letting myself being caught up in these thoughts instead of enjoying this moment. It’s always like this, the mind never stops.

„What are you thinking about?” he catches it, as always.

„There are million answers.”

„I can see that. Give me a good one.” he says, constantly smiling the widest of smiles. I don’t want to take that away from him, so I try to be truthful but light.

„I was thinking about what friendship is, I guess.” The hesitance clear in my voice.

„Our friendship, you mean?” The slight echo of Oliver’s line doesn’t escape me and I get a little uneasy. It isn’t the right time nor the right place for this conversation, at least of that I am sure. 

We look at each other and his smile fades. He’s not ready either. I don’t know how to gracefully back-paddle from this.

„You seem to have figured it out, you have so many friends.” that should save me, I think with relief.

„I do have a lot of friends, that’s true.” he seems to consider his words carefully „But none of them like you.”

I try not to look at him now and I feel like I’m sinking while I should be running away.

 

_____

 

The panic spreads all over his face and body and it makes me grasp his arm to keep him from fleeing. He stiffens upon my touch. All I wanted was to let him know how happy I am, but of course I crossed the line. That’s all I do these days.

„Timmy, don’t!” I don’t know what exactly I want to say. Don’t go? Don’t be afraid? Don’t do this? I watch him struggle to compose himself, I don’t let go of his arm and just wait. He still looks down, trying to hide from me but it’s useless. God, he is so transparent, it’s beyond endearing.

He wiggles himself from my grip, regaining control. I see he puts his brave face on and looks me in the eyes.

„I know, I’m special.” he jokes with a fake smile and walks back into the restaurant.

 

_____

 

That went well, I think bitterly. As I sit back at our table I catch a glimpse of a frown on Elizabeth’s face. I know she knows. It makes it so much harder but in a weird way it also gives me some kind of relief. Because she still stands me, she still allows me to be around. 

But I feel a slight shift lately, I feel that Armie’s behaviour takes a toll on their public appearance and on her as well. And it brings something of a chill to my spine. It’s a feeling when you first realise that something is starting to end. 

I tell myself that this feeling is about this trip and this trip only and redirect my focus to Luca and others. Whenever the feeling comes back I swat it like a fly. Not tonight.

 

_____

 

And just like that we are back in Crema but I’m not overjoyed as I anticipated to be. 

There is a facade I need to keep and it drains me out. First of all, I need to ensure my wife’s happiness. So I make all the effort to make this trip about us just as much as it is about the movie. We visit our spots, we reminisce about our time here and it’s all very sweet. 

What she doesn’t know is that in every single memory of me and her here there is always a piece of him. Because I was thinking about him constantly whether he was with me or not. 

I felt him in every cell of my body and it filled me with fear. I was flooded with doubts and questions I had never asked before. Is it possible to love two people at once? Is there something between friendship and love that hasn’t been given a name but is as real as any other affection a human being can feel? What is it exactly that I feel? Do I love him? Desire him? Could I ever explain this to anyone? Could I understand it myself? 

I remember well the time I became aware of these thoughts and it was even more painful when I was with her. I made love to her so vigorously back then just to ensure myself I was still the person I thought I was. 

But I was utterly lost. I was in the middle of the fight between self-doubt, oh so new to me, and this new and pure kind of bliss. A fight that would always end with loss. I remember it well. 

I came here months after shooting to bury myself in that feeling again. Because feeling that fear meant also feeling that bliss. I knew that it would always be conjoined like that. But I yearned for it. And I yearn for him still. 

After that moment in Paris we keep things at bay. I am good and he’s a little distant, occupied. 

And here, in Crema, he seems happy, he seems at peace. Who am I to ruin it for him?

 

_____

 

There is no spot here that hasn’t got his face or his scent on it. There is no memory of this place without him. So I cherish it and it feels good. I will always have that. Maybe that’s enough. 

And so many people seem to love this film, maybe that’s something that can fill the hole eventually?

I make a conscious decision to let this go right here, in Crema of all the places. If it started here, let it end here, make it full circle. I might have loved him, I might have felt and want more that I was allowed to feel and want. But it ends now. 

Wherever I go, I meet fondness. There has to come a day I will meet love. And one day we will be as close friends as ever, together - him, Elizabeth, my wife and me. There has to be that day. 

So I make a conscious decision to give myself this gift right here, in Crema. To enjoy this moment by not wrapping it around him. Maybe this is growing up. Maybe it’s something I can force myself to believe in. Maybe if I looked at myself from the distance I would call myself brave and naive. But I call myself happy and slide my eyes away from him to whatever lurks around the bend.

 

_____

 

By the time we leave Crema I’m completely worn-out. I feel relief that we are finally going home. I need some time for myself, most importantly I need some time away from him. 

Being in Crema with him only doubled my confusion. His face seemed even more beautiful than before. Maybe because somehow this town is the right background for that face. Maybe because his eyes seemed calm and strong and his skin glowed with ease. 

As for my skin I almost physically felt him crawling under it to stay. If I were to be honest with myself I would have called it falling in love. But I called it being transported back to that summer of filming, just reliving it. So natural, I kept telling myself. 

We hug out our goodbyes at the airport. It feels like the end of sorts but I ignore it with all my strength.

„Love you, man.” I try to keep it casual. I know I probably should stop saying that now that I know it means something else than what I try to convey with my brotherly attitude. But I say it anyway because that’s what I would say.

„See you soon.” He doesn’t meet my eyes, though. Why does this feel like a punch to my stomach?

We go through the gates and I fight the urge to text him immediately.

During the flight, when Elizabeth’s asleep, I scroll through photos on my phone to find it. And there it is, the photo I took the day we filmed in Bergamo, the day we filmed the kiss of a lifetime. Timmy’s brilliant face, the intense focus in his eyes, the glistening of sweat on his forehead, his lips irresistibly red from kissing mine. It was a glorious day. It was a day when I could kiss him and give everything I had in that one single perfect kiss, take after take. I could kiss him and give in to whatever I was feeling without thinking of who I was. For this one special day I was free. To feel. To be. I loved that day.

 

_____

 

Staying in Crema for additional couple of days was a good idea. I felt so light after all the celebrations, so grateful, focused solely on the good things. Thinking I might be fine, thinking that maybe I cut off some of the cords that tangle me to him. Not all of them, no, but quite a few. 

It’s been two years and it was high time to let go. 

I had almost three good days, even with him still here. It felt healthy somehow, like we actually could pull this whole brotherhood thing off. I almost convinced myself for three solid days. 

But he does this thing again, he takes me by surprise and sends me right back to the centre of this fucking maze. 

A ping of my phone and there it is. A photo of me in Bergamo. „It’s been awesome two years. Thank you, T” 

What the fuck is this? A goodbye? Why this picture though? 

I remember that day all too well. Him kissing me like he really meant it. The kiss of a lifetime day. The last kiss day. 

We did many takes but not enough, never enough. With each take I knew this might be the last one, the last time I felt his lips, the last time I tasted his tongue. Each take drilling a deeper void inside me that I never managed to fill. I remember how flustered I was, how desperate. 

What is he even thinking, sending me something like that? Given the time, he must have sent it right as they landed. How am I supposed to respond to this? 

What a fucking asshole. 

Why can’t he just let me be. Why can’t he just let me go.

 

_____

 

No response. 

For two whole days.

So here I am, waiting for him at LAX. I guess I’m way beyond the pale now. 

He notices me right away, I can’t be missed, really. I though I would wait for him to approach me but I dart forward and grab his bag from his hand.

„What are you doing here?” he asks rather angrily.

„Picking you up. Come on” I lead him to my car as fast as possible to avoid prying eyes.

We shut our doors and I drive off immediately.

„I wasn’t expecting you. You are driving me to the hotel.” It’s not a question and I can’t ignore it. 

I pull over as soon as I am able. I stop the engine and face him.

„Tim.” I start but he cuts me off.

„No, Armie. No. I’m not staying with you guys, not this time. Take me to the hotel.”

„Okay, okay, but I think we need to talk first. Can we talk, please?” I try to be calm even though I feel he is burning and it spikes the pressure in my veins.

He pierces me with his eyes and for a little moment I forget where I am.

„Why did you send me that photo, Armie?” he asks slowly.

I try to form an answer in my mind before I speak it out loud. But what can I actually tell him? How happy I was that day? How that photo represents my feelings for him better than any words can? Because I don’t know the right words and those that come to my mind are scary.

„If it supposed to be a goodbye than why are you here?” he cuts into my trail of thought.

„A goodbye? No. I wasn’t..” I think I might wanted it to be a goodbye but only to cheat myself. God, why am I like this. I always could speak my mind. But not about this, not with him. I couldn’t make sense of it myself, so I couldn’t make sense of it to him either. What a fucking mess.

„Maybe it was a goodbye. You know, this thing is ending soon enough. I don’t know. This trip made me kind of nostalgic, I guess.” There it goes. Not exactly lies but not the truth either.

 

_____

 

Suddenly I understand. I see through him. I can decipher this string of words he forms so carefully.

And I make a decision to be just as cruel. If he wants to play this game, let’s play.

„Yeah, I know.” He looks at me with anticipation and now I give him my best performance. „Liz told me the same thing. But you know, you guys can always come back there. Hell, you probably can even buy the villa and move there and make even more babies!” I say it so lightly, with a smile that would melt the sun.

I know I hit the right spot by the confusion that strolls through his face.

„Liz?” he seems completely out of it so I press on.

„Yeah. She said these two years has been the best time of your lives. And you know, I get it. I know that now you will always try to have an experience like that and it feels like it can never happen again. It was truly a string of many things aligning at once, you know? The amazing script, Luca, Italy, the acting challenge and satisfaction from meeting it, film being well received. So many great things.” 

I feel I can continue this bullshit for hours but he finally snaps out of his numbness. His face turns stern, like he’s decided something.

„Yes, Timmy, you’re right. But you failed to mention the best thing among all these great things.”

His hand moves to my face and he touches my cheek. 

„That photo, Timmy. That photo shows the best thing of all. You.”

 

_____

 

God, I feel so relieved. I feel like I can finally breathe. He did it masterfully, he squeezed it out of me like a pro. I caress his face and close in on him, thinking only of kissing him.

„Why are you doing this to me, Armie?” he brushes my hand away. „Do you get off on torturing me this way?”

I’m speechless.

„Don’t look at me like that. You know exactly what you’re doing. You’re toying with me, again and again.” 

I see tears forming in his eyes and I let out a gasp because I cannot seem to catch any air into my lungs.

„I can’t do this anymore, Armie. I refuse. You just keep doing shit like this and then pretend it’s a bro thing to do. I fucking refuse, do you hear me?”

He punches me in my chest. I let him. I wish he did it harder, I wish he punched me in my face. I’m so fucking stupid. And so fucking cruel.

„I’m so fucking stupid, Timmy.” Might as well tell the full truth. „And so fucking selfish. I got so wound up in all these feelings, I got so confused, you have no idea. I was trying to be as honest with you as I was with myself. And believe me, I wasn’t honest with myself at all. But I didn’t realise I was hurting you.”

He hides his face in his hands, crying. I don’t know if I can touch him. I’m so fucking stupid.

„I thought I was just about to get over you. But you had to do this, did you?” I hear from under his hands.

„I’m so sorry, Timmy. I’m so fucking sorry. I got scared. Of loving you.” I put my arms around him and bring him closer to me as much as I can. He lets me. He whimpers quietly into my chest, the same spot he was punching just a minute ago.

When he calms down, he sits back into his seat and says.

„And there it is. A proper goodbye.” He seems at ease, resolved.

„Don’t say that!” I choke on my own tears now. I know this is it. I know.

„You have to let me go, Armie. I can do this. I can get over you. But you have to let me go.”

Every word chips away another piece of me, leaving nothing but a void that will never be filled.  But I know I have to bear it. Because I know he’s right.

„I know.”

I start the engine and drive him to his hotel.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
